Rebel to Redeemed

Earlier in my life, I seemed to have everything I’d worked so hard for. Everything I’d dreamed of when I was younger was finally coming true. I was my own man, doing life on my own terms. No one could tell me what to do anymore. I used my independence to pursue success as I defined it; that was my primary goal in life. Success meant having my own business, a beautiful woman by my side, and lots of money, prestige, peer recognition, and status. 

In the years that followed, despite having it all, I still didn’t feel complete. Every time I reached a goal, I still wanted more. My desire was insatiable. More money, more pleasure, more party…more, more, more. 

One day I faced up to the fact that although I had more than enough, it wasn’t fulfilling. It felt like I’d reached the top of the ladder only to discover I’d climbed the wrong ladder. I felt defeated, lonely, and empty. I questioned what it all was for.

Then one day, alone with my thoughts, it hit me. Deep down I realized I was chasing things I thought would fulfill and validate me. These “things” I was working so hard for represented achievements. They were like trophies I could hold up to the world and say, “Look, I did it! I am somebody!” It was a deep desire to be accepted, to feel admired for being able to have it all. I thought this is what being a man was all about. However, deep down I knew this wasn’t right, and I needed to find my true purpose and meaning.

I sought answers everywhere I could. I read through every self-help book I got my hands on. I went to dozens of programs and seminars. At the time, all this felt right, and I thought I was making progress. But I still found myself returning to the same bad habits and self-destructive patterns. I continually beat myself up over this. Why did I just watch that garbage again? Why wasn’t this car good enough? Why was I so focused on her flaws? Why was I still drinking too much? Why was I still feeling empty?  Why?!

I coped with this insecurity and lack of affirmation by getting angry. Ironically, anger became the solution for everything I wanted in life. Whether it was throwing a fit when I didn’t get my way or using anger as fuel to get things done, anger was the remedy.

I was also struggling with pride, doubt, rebelliousness, fear, shame, and guilt. Unfortunately, one day this simmering cauldron of insecurity, anger, pride, doubt, rebelliousness, fear, shame, and guilt spilled onto my family with destructive results. Then one day, it all came crashing down. That was the turning point in my life. It was the day I recommitted my life to Christ and decided it was time to make drastic changes. 

I know there was only one place to find lasting and transformative change, Scripture and community.